...a can of worms

Hey, I think this is where I mention that if you are easily offended, don't read on. I know that at a dinner party you aren't supposed to talk about politics or religion, and most people usually toss "sex" in there too. So, what happens if you start talking about "sex" and "religion"...like, in combination?

Let me start out by saying that I consider myself a Christian, and a fairly conservative one at that. Now, don't go tossing your own labels around, this is just who I see myself as being. Feel free to disagree--isn't this a great country? But the fact remains that I consider myself a "born again" Christian, i.e. that I asked Jesus to save me from my sins. And frankly, that's my belief, and you can have whatever of your own that you desire, it's none of my business.

I suppose that I should soft pedal any description of my faith by pointing out that this is how I was raised. Indeed, today my faith hasn't really changed--it remains bedrock, a fundamental part of who I am. And yet my practice is somewhat more...relaxed. Don't call me "spiritual", but I tend to spend my time looking more deeply into what God might wish of us than most people might. I tend not to be terribly...shallow.

And yet, in that context, I find myself horribly conflicted in my personal sexuality. No, I'm not gay (or judgemental). But it's the resolution of my sexuality with my Christianity that bothers me. No, that's not quite right. Largely, what bothers me, is other people's resolution of their sexuality with their Christianity. Lots of people absolutely repress their sexuality (on the surface), and portray themselves as pure and celibate, even asexual. Not only is this often a lie and hypocrytical, it's simply not God's will for those that He loves...and I only see the tangle growing deeper and more complex.

I suppose, if you'll be kind enough to keep an open mind, that I'll post a number of stories. Certainly, for discretion, the details will be changed, but at least some of the relevant facts will remain. Not all of these stories are about fundamental Christians, one possible tale might even involve a sweet Muslim girl (please don't declare jihad on me!) that I once knew...and boy, was she fun!

I suppose that I should tell you a little more about myself. If I have to, I'd admit that I've broken the cusp of middle age...if I didn't, how would I really have a lifetime of experiences to draw upon. I'm tall, about 6'3", with brown hair (what remains of it) and clear blue eyes. Reasonably fit, though at the moment I'm working to get back on the horse. Women have told me that I'm attractive, and though some times they have reflected physical attributes (evidently "tall is good") like "bedroom eyes", generally the focus is on aspects of my personality.

Gosh, I hate to toot my own horn...but words like "playful", "thoughtful", "perceptive" get rolled around a lot...and of course there are others. "Gentle" and "strong" are two others...and how do they coexist? Can you explain that to me? And hopefully, as you read this, you might give me "intelligent" as well. I'll leave that one...and others...completely up to you.

One girlfriend once told me that she didn't understand why there wasn't a long line of women fighting for my attention. Well, in the course of my life, perhaps there is some explanation for that. And I suppose, as a sort of autotherapy, that's exactly what this blog is about. And if you don't know me, if you're not a friend that I have invited to read this, than I hope to high heaven that you don't figure out who I am. Because then you might figure out exactly who some of the women are...and I am largely trying to protect their identities. Does that make sense to you?

Still, there are obvious things that I am going to write about. The sexuality of "good women" in general, and "good Christian women" specifically. Such is and has been a mystery to me, something that has haunted me for the majority of my life...and it is time to put this here, in keeping with the process of letting it go. And if somehow my words touch a few people, help them to reach out and grasp their own feelings, so much the better. And if you have any answers for me...I thank you, now and in advance.

Don't seek any rhyme or reason in these posts..especially those of you who may be looking for yourself. Once upon a time I had written most of these out, now I'll rewrite them, recrafting the stories into something new and subtly different, perhaps merely for the simple pleasure of reliving those long ago days. If I could, would I do it all over again? You betcha. Would I do anything different this time around? That really is a good question, isn't it?

I suppose that I should tell you something else about myself. I am working to be a writer, a novelist, a screenwriter. I write fiction, and I've been told that I am good at it. Yet something always seems to get in the way. I am gambling that part of it is my preoccupation with the mysteries of the past...and in creating this blog, I am hoping to lay some of those mysteries to rest. And no, I don't really think that I want to weave any of these sories into any of my more formal manuscripts. That's why I'm giving it to you whole hog, as it were, right here.

And...if you happen to be one of the women, the people of whom I eventually write...will you dare to correspond with me? I will say please. Or will my memories of those places, those times, merely frighten you further away? In either case, I cast my memories to the winds...