Marcia and...Me

There isn't a lot more to tell about Marcia.

Merely my perspective, twenty years in the making. With a bit of maturity, and a great deal of experience.

Really.

Funny, I've always thought of myself as preferring brunettes. But it wasn't Marcia's appearance that mattered.

Ever.

She was always, ever and simply beautiful to me.

Just...scintillating. Simply a beautiful soul shining through. And that is how I always saw her. Painfully beautiful to me, even. Most especially so when she was looking up to me, so openly. A beautiful, remarkable woman. It didn't really matter what package it came in.

Though that was pretty doggone nice, too.

I have seen enough of Marcia's relationship with Scott to surmise that they work as a team, a pair, a true couple.

Just as I envision the perfect relationship.

Hey, Scott's clearly the better man. He got her. Obviously, he dared to ask her out.

I'm not perfect. But I wonder what might have happened.

Would she have simply said 'no'? Probably, if she had any sense. Which she did.

It really doesn't matter. I'll never know.

Who knows. Possibly I would have discovered some fatal character flaw deep within her. Well, I can think of one serious flaw right off the bat.

Marcia married Scott instead of me.

See? Told you I have a sense of humor.

But either or both of us may have changed in that time.

May have?

Marcia might find some portions of this blog...disconcerting.

Certainly both of us have matured.

Of course, I'm still walking that particular path.

But perhaps I'm not fooling myself. As much.

***

After about twenty years, I can look back on it with some perspective.

What did I want for Marcia? All that I ever wanted was for her to be happy.

I could clearly see that quality in her relationship with Scott, and that's all that I needed. In a number of relationships, that is all that I have ever wanted for the other person. I have never been "possessive", and I don't understand those who are.

I was never jealous of Scott. As I said, the better man won.

Envious? That's a completely different issue. Would I have like to be one who was gently entwined with Marcia on those picnic tables?

Undeniably.

I'd have to say that I yearned to be the person there with her.

What might I wish?

I wish that on the day of her wedding, there in the hallway....that I had managed to release that long ago dream. Grieve the forever loss of a relationship never born.

Rather than burying it, to face now. Most of twenty years later. At least it has been...illuminating.

What else? I wish that I had at least had the fortitude to ask her out.

Whether she said yes or not, whatever else might or might not have developed between the two of us. I simply wish that I had had the integrity to see it through, to at least make the attempt to live the dream. Make the fairy tale reality.

Perhaps my life would have been different, had I dared grasp that dream. I might not have allowed other dreams to slip through my fingers.

It's time, and more than, for that to change.

I do still have dreams, after all.

Heh...I'm editing this after a funeral today.

It was Marcia's grandfather's funeral. It was the first time that I had seen any member of her family since...well, since her wedding. Odd echoes, more than I will tell you here. I remained at the Church during the graveside service, and God and I had a talk. He and I needed to get some things straight, and I found myself reading John 8. Yep, that one. It was easy to see the message that He had for me. After all, I'm the only one still casting stones. It's time for me to forgive myself. Forgive myself for lost opportunities, and live life as He meant me to.

Of course, I did see Marcia, and her mom at the luncheon afterwards. I talked to Carol far more than Marcia, and didn't really wish to intrude any more in what had to be family time.

And yes, I found myself a bit tongue-tied. At least reticent--with Marcia. Perhaps that was just because other people were around. Or, because I had mailed off a certain letter the day before Marcia's grandfather had passed away.

He moves in mysterious ways...and afterward, I was laughing at myself. Someone has to.

Care to join me?

Ah. I almost forgot. I haven't related to you the fairy tale beginning yet, have I?

Eventually, you'll get that.